I often get asked how I am doing health-wise, and I very much appreciate people’s care and concern. To that end, I thought I’d write a brief update because it might help explain the frequent radio silence. I tend to be very private by nature, and my output is, therefore, invariably quite impersonal. But, there are times where it’s appropriate and beneficial to reach out and share and this is perhaps one of those times.
Basically, for the past year the cancer has been generally stable, which is good. My life is, however, now—and probably always will be—chunked into three to four month segments between each scan. I never know what the result will be and whether it will signal the need for further chemotherapy or other interventions. I’ve had to learn to live with stark uncertainty. Of course, we ALL live with uncertainty every day, whether we’re aware of it or not, but nothing quite brings it into sharp focus as living with cancer. It’s certainly a great opportunity to practise surrender and take every result as prasada, even if it’s not the result I may have wanted.
It’s now that I realise how years of learning to manage my mind and emotions—and, above all, the power of Self-knowledge, have proven their worth in gold. One of my teachers, Swami Paramarthananda, refers to Self-knowledge as the great “shock absorber”; something which protects you from the inevitable bumps of life. It’s only now I appreciate just what an investment this inner work was. The results may not be tangible in terms of worldly gain, but inwardly it fosters a tremendous sense of dispassion and resilience. I’m immensely grateful for that. It doesn’t take away difficult karma, but it sure as heck makes it infinitely easier to deal with.
Yet, in spite of recently being described as “infuriatingly stoic” by a friend, at this level, I’m just an imperfect jiva dealing with an imperfect situation—even while aware that, beyond the realm of name and form, it’s all perfect. Not every day is an easy one, but I never lose sight of the fact that each and every one contains a universe of joys. I feel blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by beauty, love and wonder. I roll with the punches and do my best to manage my mind—because, really, the secret of life pretty much boils down to thought management. If you find yourself suffering, it’s because there’s an idea at work in your mind which needs to be questioned and rooted out with self enquiry.
As I’ve come to realise, it’s utterly effortless BEING the Self. As Awareness, there’s nothing to do, and nothing you can ever possibly gain or lose. Awareness never has a bad day—everything is ALWAYS peachy. Being human, however, and occupying this apparent realm of duality, is a far trickier thing. The key to freedom is contextualising the world of gross and subtle objects and knowing that they appear in YOU, Awareness, and can never touch or change you in any way. That’s the “get out clause” and it never fails. Yet, at the same time, as long as you possess the adjuncts of a body and mind, you have to engage with them and the world; you can’t deny them and pretend that problems don’t exist. Objectivity and searing honesty are essential to get you through life. There are also times when you may have to get down in the trenches and fight tooth and nail, doing whatever you need to as dharma dictates. You may find you can’t outrun life’s storms forever, and that’s okay. Instead, perhaps to your astonishment, you face them down and emerge through the other side with far greater strength, fire, wisdom, resilience and, indeed, compassion for this time-bound apparent-self than you ever possessed before.
Due to the rigours of ongoing treating and the resultant physical and mental fatigue, I’ve largely stopped writing this past year. I have done my best to keep up with emails and to answer any questions or queries people bring to me as best I can. I’m not as speedy at replying as I’d like or intend, but I’m delighted to help because it is both my dharma and great pleasure to help share this knowledge. At the encouragement of several people, I’ve decided to take advantage of a treatment break and start writing again. I want to tell my own story in a little more detail and also create a short book which encapsulates Vedanta in as simple and easy to digest a way as I can. So watch this space.
Thanks for reading. Love and peace,
Rory.
